I’m writing late because my writing’s usual time slot of six to eight in the evening was generously given to something important. Technically, the day still hasn’t ended so I’m still qualified for my 21-day writing streak challenge.
A while ago I was with the people who I’ve ended my 2017 with. And with everything that has happened in life recently, it felt like everything has come full circle. I’ve always believed that our lives are made up of seasons. That every thing in life and nature was made to be a cycle. And if a cycle could begin somewhere, then it will most definitely end somewhere too.
Every thing that has started in the closing of my 2017 is finally reaching the last leg of its cycle at this time of the year. And frankly, I don’t know how I feel about it because I can’t reach that part of me inside that feels anymore. It’s the total absence of emotions. Probably because I have reached my limit, or probably because I’m just too tired now. I keep telling myself that I should be in the middle of a field shouting my lungs out and cursing, or that I should cry in the shower, or that I should break something, for goodness’ sake, anything, instead of being just blank and not feeling anything. People ask me if I’m okay and I say yeah, I’m okay because it’s the truth. And what they don’t know is that there is nothing left in me to feel. I’m like drained of everything and when you look inside, there is nothingness. I have reached my limit. Before, I used to say “bring it on” because I believed that the limit does not exist. Well, I was mistaken, the limit does exist and I’m way past it and now I feel nothing.
Everything has come full circle, I know that now. I still don’t know what the purpose of that season of my life was, but probably in a few years, the reason will reveal itself. The only thing I’m sure of is that a new cycle is coming and I look at all the plans I have lined up for myself and I find that there is some truth hidden in that thought. It feels like I’m finally coming out of a game where the snake always gets to eat its tail. If you didn’t get the analogy, yes, I’m the snake, and I always end up eating my tail. Nowadays, when my mind keeps bombarding me with anxiety-fuelled questions like “What if this happens?” or “What if that happens?”, I just shrug my shoulders and say, “Then so be it, it’s not my fight anymore. And I’m tired of it.” And then the voice of anxiety quiets down and disappears into the background of my mind. I never thought that raising the white flag would bring me peace. Maybe this was the lesson all along. To learn how to stop swimming against the current, to just stop fighting, and just let the flow of things take you to where you are supposed to be.