Until I Found you

I remember the afternoon I first saw you. I didn’t really believe in love at first sight then, I thought it was something invented by the films we watch. It’s funny because the back of your head was the first thing I saw and I have decided I liked you. I tried to take a peek at your face, of how you look like, but you wouldn’t turn around, not even a slight turn of the head in my direction. You just kept walking with your companions and your gaze was fixed straight ahead. We were on a busy street, it was August, a couple of years back or so, I think. I was with my friends and we were walking behind you and your friends and all I can see was the back of your head. In those fleeting moments I came to memorise the shape of your head, the texture of your hair, the length of your neck, and the curve of your shoulders. You didn’t know I was behind you; I kept staring at the back of your neck but you wouldn’t turn. And after a few minutes which felt like a long time to me, you turned left and we kept walking straight. We didn’t know each other then, at least not yet. I didn’t even know how you looked like but I knew I liked you. And that was that, I forgot all about it the moment you turned left.

After a couple of months or so, I saw you again. I saw the back of your head again and I knew it was you. I knew you were the one I saw on the street. And this time you turned and I knew how you looked like, finally. You looked like someone I have seen before but I couldn’t place where and at the same time you looked like someone new, if that makes sense.

And since then I became used to seeing the back of your head all the time. Sometimes I wonder why when I get to find you in a crowded place by chance, I always find myself behind you. I wonder why being behind you is the only place I afforded to be.

I was dangling myself in a dangerous relationship then, some of my friends knew about it and were worried about me. I kept telling them not to worry about me, I knew what I was doing and I will end it once it becomes too precarious. I didn’t know how treacherous the life I was living then, until I found you. Until then, I thought that was how my life was going to be for a long time. You gave me something that I’ll always be grateful for; you gave me a way out. And from then on I knew, you were going to save me from a lot of things, especially from myself. I think that’s the reason why you’ve always had weight in my life. You saved me and you didn’t even know it.

Now that I look back on it, I can’t help thinking that that’s probably the only reason why I met you. You were supposed to be my way out, out of a circumstance that I had no qualms to leave. And I’ll be forever grateful for what you have done for me. I’ll never regret having met you, because you see, I was lost then and I didn’t care, until I found you.

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