Essays

Down the Rabbit Hole

I have noticed that it’s taking me a while to come up with something to write about now that I’m nearing my 21st day of writing straight. Today is my 16th day and it’s not that I have nothing to write about anymore, I still have a lot to write about, the problem is that everything’s getting more personal and these are some of the things I’m having second thoughts to write about. On my first week, I begin writing at six in the evening because my cup is still full, somewhat cocky that I have a lot of topics lined up. I have a lot of ideas that I can expound on by writing about them and I have no qualms in sharing them with the world because they are not too private or confidential. I never thought that writing for 16 days straight would leave me raw and scrubbed clean from the inside out. And now I’m left with only the things that are nearest and dearest to my heart to write about and I have never felt this naked in my life before.

Sometimes I feel like the only thing holding me together is a thin, flimsy thread that could break anytime when the load becomes too much to bear. I’m holding it all together even when it feels as though my arms are trembling with the immense weight and the timer never reaches zero so that I can finally let go and have a rest. I keep telling God I would like to have a bit of a rest now but the timer is still on a countdown and it never seems to reach zero.

In the cool darkness of my bedroom, with the black-out curtains drawn, I lie awake sometimes, and think to myself I could just lie here for three days and it wouldn’t make any difference. I could scroll endlessly on my phone screen, watch all the films I want to watch, read all the books I have hoarded through the years, and still it wouldn’t make a difference. The world will not stop and grieve with me because of the uncertainty of my future; it will keep going, and the people in it will keep on living. I have secured enough distractions for myself in order for me not to think about how the next year will be like for me, because if I don’t distract myself, then it will be the only thing I will think about and it will send me down the rabbit hole of anxiety and upset stomachs.

I’m lying there in the dark and I keep telling myself that if I had changed the bed sheets already, or applied for that part-time work already, or put the laundry in the machine already, or messaged him already to tell him I cannot live without him, then I probably won’t be living like this, holed up in a dark room emptying my battery life on unimportant things and procrastinating on what needs to be done.

I am living in the future and not in the present that’s why my heart is troubled. But how can I live in the present when there is nothing I look forward to in the present? Everything seems far away into the future and it is certainly taking its time to arrive. But I still believe that better days are coming, I just have to be patient and to wait. Everything in life is a cycle, if you’re experiencing bad days, then you have to be hopeful and expectant because after the bad days, the better days follow and they’ll make you wonder why you were ever worried in the first place.

2 thoughts on “Down the Rabbit Hole”

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