We can’t really choose who our family will be. It’s one of those things in life where the gift of free will was suddenly suspended and it ends up looking like a cosmic joke to all of us who believe in free will. I don’t usually write or talk about my family because I grew up believing that there is a line for everything that you’re not allowed to cross, and talking or writing bad about family is crossing that line.
Sometimes it gnaws on my insides because I can’t talk about it to my friends because it would make me look like an ungrateful daughter. No matter how toxic a family member could be, the moment you talk about whatever it is that you don’t like about them, it immediately makes you a bad person, even if the toxicity of the said relative is making you almost bat-crap crazy. It’s as if not being given a choice to choose family members is not enough, you also can’t rant about them simply because of the fact that they are family.
I have said in one of my previous posts that I have this anger simmering just below the surface and that sometimes it slips out of my control and it rears its ugly head to unsuspecting people who become my newest casualties. It is only now that I realise that this anger has been here with me for a long time, I have nurtured and kept it all this time because talking about it is taboo, especially if the anger is about a family member. So all these years, there’s this anger simmering within me and it grows and grows as time passes because society does not allow me to talk about it.
Due to this, I have learned to sweep things under the rug but we all know that in time, everything that gets swept under the rug would eventually be too big a mound to hide underneath. This anger is eating everything inside until I have reached that point where everything inside me is just a big, black, vacuum of a hole.
I long for that time where I can finally speak up about this years and years of pent up anger without having to be looked down upon just because the anger is focused towards a family member. They will never understand. Sometimes I try to talk about it with trusted relatives and friends but I hesitate when they ask me to explain it. I have kept it bottled up for so long that I couldn’t even explain it that well for other people. I just couldn’t find the words to explain it. I don’t even think that a few sentences here and there would be enough to explain how I feel and why I feel the way I do.
I think this is the area of my life that I need to work on but time and time again, I have learned that some things that involve other people, especially people who have no idea that they are doing something wrong, are better left untouched because you would only be wasting time and energy trying to mend things and to explain yourself because it would actually feel like talking to a wall.
Sometimes I dream of the days when I’ll finally be out of their reach. That their toxicity would be miles and miles away from me and I hope then maybe, this simmering anger that’s just below the surface will finally evaporate because nobody will be feeding the fire anymore. And that maybe, by that time, I will finally feel that I’m free from their reach and I can be my own person again.