It’s been twenty days of non-stop writing everyday and someone told me today that it’s amusing to note that my writing has a progression. And I agreed with her. I have noticed the progression in my writing as well. From low and desolate, it steadily and surely climbed its way up until it broke the surface. I also feel lighter now as compared to when I first started writing more than two weeks ago. It feels as though a heavy weight has been lifted off of my chest and the anxiety over things I cannot control has quieted down. This clarity has been such an early Christmas gift that I couldn’t ask for more. Now, I know what I truly want and it is all I think about all day.
I realised that I didn’t give myself enough credit because I have forgotten all of the hurdles I have jumped across in the past. I didn’t give myself enough credit even though I always came out on the other side of the storm. I have forgotten that life is a series of cycles that if you find things to be difficult now, you just have to ride it out because it eventually ends and things will get better, you just have to do something about it.
I feel like my mind is now a clear, potable, running stream where you can see the stones underneath whereas before it was this stagnant, murky, brown water that no living creature would ever consider living in. Someone asked me why I suddenly decided to write again and I didn’t have a proper answer. I just felt like I wanted to and I wanted to reach other people who are currently in tough times. Also, it’s time, I guess, for me to finally confront my demons and look at them head on instead of just letting them hide underneath the stagnant, murky, brown water and allow them to rot in there.
Now that I look back on the past two weeks or so, I remember how confused and directionless I felt and how I thought that I’m never going out of this maze and that this is how my life is always going to be. I look back on it now that I’m in a better headspace and shake my head because everything I thought back then was so far and removed from the truth.
So often, when we are in the middle of the storm, while the clouds are grey and the thunder sounds menacing, and there are flying debris threatening to take a swipe at us, we tend to forget the truth that we have always known: that the storm always passes, that everything in life is a cycle, that the good things come right after the bad things. It has been our truth ever since but we forget everything we’ve learned once we are being trampled by the storm.
It’s been a joy whenever someone would tell me that what I write inspires them. Part of my reason why I started writing was because I wanted to share what I have with others who are in the same headspace as I am even though at the time, I felt so empty and devoid of emotions. I read somewhere that when you feel empty, you have to keep on giving, even when you feel like you have nothing more left to give because that’s when you’ll break the surface and transcend the emptiness. Whatever you give out into the world, will return to you. I gave away everything that is left of me, and now I feel full. We are all still here because there is a light in all of us that refuses to go out, if we remember that all the time, then I guess we’ll all be fine in the mean time.