I Have Always Been the Sun

It’s my 21st day of writing and I won’t oblige myself to write everyday after this. After all, I think I was able to make writing a habit because I think about it and plan for it when I’m not doing it. I am so relieved because I felt like I have finally said my piece. I feel lighter and my mind has clarity and I feel somewhat confident to be who I am now.

This write up is supposed to sum up my twenty-one day passage from being down, desolate, and confused to finally being comfortable with who I am and seeing the rising of my wave.

I look back on how I dealt with my relationship with other people, whether it be romantic or platonic. How I used to dim my shine and just stay in the background; I was the archetypal wallflower because people might not like what I have to say or they might find me different. An ex-boyfriend once told me that I am too smart, and some friends would always tell me to tone it down a notch and to not give it my all because I can’t be the best in everything, and a male relative once told me that I aim too high and that I am too ambitious. All this time, I tried to keep my head low and to not gather too much attention because it somehow upsets other people.

After pondering on some things, I realised that I don’t need anyone’s permission if I want to give my all and to be the best in whatever it is I set my eyes on. I don’t need to dumb myself down for a boy in order to coddle his fragile and minuscule ego. I don’t have to feel bad if I actually have an ambition and if who I am yearns for something more than this. This is who I am, I can’t live in mediocrity. I can’t have a run-of-the-mill life. I want to be of use, I want to live my life to the fullest and to reach the highest self that’s attainable for me in this lifetime.

It took me a while to finally get it, and now that I do, I realised that I have been doing myself a disservice when I dim my shine for others, when I try to change myself into a stereotype of how women are supposed to be. All this time, with all the men I have been with, I would walk around like I’m their little shadow that’s always in the background and always silent, but now I realised that I have always been the sun.

I heard someone say that it is not our darkness that we are afraid of, but rather, we are afraid of our light, of our own potential and power. And I guess on some levels that resonates with me. Now I bask in the sunshine of knowing what it is that I want in life, of not being afraid to speak up when they ask me what I want, of articulating my opinion on things and actually joining the conversation, of speaking about my hidden pains and how I overcame them, of how I went through plenty of storms and I always get to come out on the other side, because you know what, the sun was not created to dim its shine for anyone and because of that, I am now certain with every fibre of my being and with every knot of excitement in my gut, I am certain now, that I have always been the sun.

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