I have been pondering for several days now on what I should be writing about next. There were some things that crossed my mind but I’m a bit hesitant because I don’t think I’m ready to share that with the world yet, or better yet, I don’t think I will ever be ready. Before making this all available for public consumption, I promised myself that I won’t be writing about people specifically for they might feel they are being shamed or brought to a public trial even though that has never been my intention when I made the site public. And if I were to write about someone specifically, then I will cloak them with anonymity and vagueness and that the only people who will know will be the ones in my inner circle and the person I am writing about specifically.
I have always wondered why my urge to write has always been strong when I’m sad or feeling low. I want to be able to write no matter what emotional gauge I’m currently in. I wouldn’t go as far to say that I’m happy but I’m definitely light years away from the headspace that I was in from when I started writing last November. I am not that happy, but also not sad either. I am in between; I am okay.
I am in between. And from what I’ve learned all these years, being in between is a period of waiting for me and God knows I am not the best person when it comes to waiting. All my life I have regarded myself as impatient. Always impatient to get home to play with the new toy, always impatient to wait for Christmas to open my presents under the tree, always impatient to graduate from high school, always impatient for the plane to take off, always impatient for something to happen.
Sometimes, when I am left to brood over what is currently happening with my life, I would notice that most of the phases of my life are periods of waiting and they are far more longer than others and scattered generously all over the time line of my life. Due to this, I have come to the conclusion that God is probably teaching me how to be patient, and sometimes I chuckle at the thought that it might take a whole lifetime for me to learn the lesson and it still won’t be enough probably.
I am trying to sit still while holding the knowledge that whatever is supposed to happen will happen next year. I would always reprimand myself for living in the future because the year hasn’t ended yet but I’m already planning the major decisions I’ll be making on the following months next year. Right now, I am trying to savour the moments of this waiting phase for this is usually the calm before the storm, the moment before everything could either go downhill or uphill.
I think one of the lessons that I’m also having a hard time to learn, aside from being patient, is the act of letting go and leaving it all to God. I am trying to teach myself that just because nothing is happening at the moment doesn’t mean that nothing ever will. The other day, I found myself praying and with moistening eyes, saying “You have to help me let this go.” I have so many luggages that need letting go because they are weighing me down. I am aware that they are weighing me down but I can’t loosen my grasp. I am still in the process of learning to let things go and surrender them in His hands because I know that if I hand over the wheel to Him, then I will never have to live in the future. I can just stay in the moment and savour the present, as it should be.
“You have to help me let this go,” I kept saying. I kept repeating it and my whole prayer was composed of just that sentence because with that sentence, it already encompasses everything that my heart needs to say. It could be for a person, a situation, a negative emotion, and the uncertainty of where I will find myself in another decade after this year ends.